So How Many "Start-Up Posts" is too many???

This Hello friendly neighbourhood internet......

So I thought I would start out with an apology.  I'm sorry I lied.  I'm sorry I lied to you and to myself. I keep telling myself "today is the day that change starts" and then I let things get in my way, distract me and then I fail.

I am fat.  I have put on another 4lbs since the last post.  I am fat.  I can no longer stand the sight of myself in a mirror.  I no longer go out in public unless I have to because I am too embarrassed.  I just can't anymore.

Ben proposed to me.... I have never been happier in a relationship and he is this incredibly supportive and loving creature that just loves me more than I feel he should.  I am getting married.  I am fat.  These things are incongruent and something needs to give.

I hired a personal trainer, Brooke.  She forces me to push past where I think I can't go.  She is going to help me get where I need to be for our wedding.

June 5, 2015
D- Day
This is the most embarrassing thing that I am ever going to do. Personally I'm not sure why I'm doing it but I guess holding myself accountable to never ever looking this way ever again even for one more day is more important than my "pride". 

So f$&k it.... Here I am

The next time you see these photos they WILL be different. 

I'll tell you about my daily workouts and great meal finds (I already have a few to share) 

I am going back to hiding behind my baggy clothes again for now

Today is the day….

Today is the day…….
I know this because I stepped on my scale after a serious attempt at living a healthier lifestyle, and to no avail I am fatter today than I have been in my entire life.  I am 170.8lbs.  How did this happen?  I have had the hardest year of my life that is how.  I developed insomnia, depression, a panic disorder…. I suppose the list could carry on, but this is where is has to stop.
The last few months of my life have been the most terrifying times I have yet to face.  It has been 6 months that I lost my mom to a brain aneurysm, 4 months that I lost my friend to cancer and almost a year to the day I lost my little one Oshii to cancer as well.  Grief is a charging bull, relentless in its path to destroy you.  What was left of my family after my mom passed away basically disintegrated into something I am so completely and totally ashamed and embarrassed of.  I feel that I was left to basically stand alone.  When you think you will have the support you need from your family in your hardest days and then have to come to terms with the reality that they are just not going to be there is something I never would have thought could have happened to me.  I could have never expected this, and still don't know how to accept any of it.  I suppose I could share the ugly details with all of you, but it may be something I share when I am strong enough to do so.  I am  not looking for sympathy.  I do not want a pity party.  I want anyone who struggles in this life to know that other people struggle to, and although our battles may not look to same on the outside, the inside still has the same remains.  I am going to stand taller than my grief and stop letting it drown me over and over again.  I've lost a lot in this life and I can't lose myself too.
I've decided to focus on the family that I have chosen and that have supported me day in and day out, who have listened and encouraged and helped through some of my darkest days.
I couldn't have asked for a better human than Ben.  He lets me be me and just loves the s&%t out of me… and I just love the s$%t out of him too.  We laugh a lot.  He is thoughtful and mindful and a witty and charming.  We make more fun of one another than elementary school crushes, it's hilarious.  I need him.  And I wouldn't trade him in for any pony, well I likely would if it was that little internet sensation Mr. P.
My friend Tiffany hasn't always been someone I have always been the closest to.  It's been in the most recent year that we have gotten closer and really confided in one another.  She struggles with her weight as well and we have made a pact with one another and she has become such an incredible supporter of me and I love being able to support her back.  We both have a goal of losing 30lbs.  I know that if we just stick together we can absolutely attain our goals.  It's definitely been easier having someone like her to lean on.  Positive words, a motivational mind, and someone to help you hold yourself accountable.  The journey doesn't seem as scary when you have a friend like her.  Thanks lady xo.
So here it is…. some drastic changes need to be made because "just being healthy" hasn't worked.  I know now how much external sources can affect your internal ones.  Lack of sleep and stress love making you chubby!  I found a therapist who is amazing and is helping be more aware of my chaos and how to manage it all.  All of these things in combination make for a very unhealthy mind and body, so I've realized that BOTH need to be attacked equally in order to gain success for myself.  So let me introduce you to my new friend Charles

   I would also like you to meet Pebbles and Bam Bam

I know how hard it can be when you're as busy as someone like me to eat properly, so i've negated some of my excuses by adding this little gem to my life

I have one every day for breakfast and I will soon be using this a second time throughout the day.  

I thought I would let you guys kind of take a peek at the kind of workout Charles and I will be embarking upon.

This was today's workout, modified mind you since it was the first time Charles, Pebbles and Bam Bam had danced so it was kind of a "let me see what you're made of" workout ;)  

Kicking someone's a$$ just feels so good sometimes……

http://youtu.be/zP7yscDZlLQ

I'll be doing variations of this for the first little bit, changing things here and there and making good use of my weights and bench as well.  I will also be doing some Yoga-ing at home to try and calm my spirit.  I'm far to embarrassed to actually go to a class, but I know I'm safe from being judged by Yogis in my basement (and it's wayyyyyy cheaper that way too!).  It will feel great one day to go to one of those classrooms and feel like I can fit in.  Forget it!  Let's make a date for me to do that ( I can always use a personal challenge)….. hmmmmmm April 12th.  There is some significance to the date and I will stick to it.  Yeesh, what was I thinking lol. 

Giddy up

Back To The Basics

There's something wonderful about simplicity. It eliminates the complicated. I'm going Paleo for 30 days.  It's a lot more simple than I thought. 

www.thepaleodiet.com

I think 30 days is a great challenge!!  I've pulled out my skipping rope, plugged in my treadmill, brought out my weight bench and my super sexy headband. 

The greatest challenge of all is the drinking challenge.... Dun dun duhhhhnnnnn 

I drink a lot. Not because I'm a heavy drinker but because everything I do whether it work, school, social, has to do with alcohol. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED 

I'll blog the whole plizzan next up 

Good luck me

When life rears its Ugly Head

 Well I'd like to begin by apologizing. I have been selfish and negligent and I want to start over with you.... With myself  

Sometimes when you lose all control of the things you desperately need to control you keep yourself in safe place far away where no one can see you break.  I lost all control, I lost all faith, I lost all hope.... I lost my Mother.  Why would this happen to me?  Why don't I get to have a mom?  Why do you get to pick up the phone when you're bored, or sad, or helpless, or elated, or worried to call your mom and I don't?  Why do I have to lose the most important person in my life?  Why would someone add insult to injury and take her away from me when I've already lost so much?  Why do i have to live with the reality that i will never get to see her again..... or hear her voice?  I need her so badly.  So there's no one to answer these questions for me and I have to live with the nothingness of my reality that is so full of hurt and so full of anger that some days it's hard to even breathe. 

Three days ago was my parents 40 th wedding anniversary.  If you can say that for anyone you know I know you know how truly incredible that is.  We take advantage of the fact that we expect people will always be there. There's some hard lessons to learn sometimes.  My dad spent this important day in his life at a restaurant table with his children in awkward silences avoiding the elephant in the room, talking about home projects, the bad meal, the weather.  I know he had much bigger plans for this particular day.  But this is what life means now.  We learn to manage the elephant in the room. She's gone and we don't know how to live without her.  I desperately miss my mom. 

I sat at this table with whats left of my family and my phone rings, I answered it when I knew I shouldn't.  It's a call to tell me that one my dearest friends passed away in the early morning hours. Fuck. This cant really be happening, can it?  Those words from the other end of the phone just crushed my already broken heart. Okay, let's do this just one more time.   Although his fight against cancer was cruel and unruly, he faced it with such courage and strength. It was like a cheap shot in the gut. Despite anything he was going through he was there for me when i needed someone most. The strong silent hug that he knew i needed. What hurt the most is i knew he looked at me hard and could see the hurt in his own childrens faces when it would be his time to go. So selfless and strong and truly incredible. I will desperately miss my friend. 

Yesterday was my birthday.... And I knew I wouldn't start my day with a call from my mom "Happy Birthday Hunny!!!!!!!!!" I'll never have that call again.  Life is just never going to be the same.  My dad sent me a text to say "happy birthday, there is a card on the table ILY". I worked late last night and drove home screaming to whoever would listen to me "why?!"  No one called me, asked how my day was, asked me to lunch or dinner.... Where the fuck is my mom?!  This would never happen if she was here. I stopped at my parents house to pick up my card last night. My dad was already asleep so I didn't want to wake him. I took the card with my name on it and left.  I cried all the way home. I didn't even wait to take my coat off. I just wanted to open the card (having insane swings of expectations. Will it be nothing? Will it be a cheque? Will it be a ticket to Paris?). I opened it...... And there is was.  It was a diamond necklace, so very pretty with blue and white diamonds. And the card reads "I chose these blue diamonds for a very special reason  happy 32nd birthday, love dad".........

Dad, what is the very special reason?  "I bought your mother a blue and white diamond ring for our anniversary last year. I promised her I would buy her a matching necklace. This Is the necklace. I don't know if you have a chain strong enough to hold the ring".  I was so touched and just so very very sad at how real this is all becoming for all of us.  I desperately miss my mom. 

It's hard to be told over and over to be strong or that I'm the strongest person that someone knows. I don't want to be strong... I want to crumble into a million pieces and have someone else pick up the pieces for a change. I'm done being the one no one needs to worry about. I need someone too. That's hard to say but I'm not scared to say it.  I've lost all control. 

So I struggle and stumble and crumble and pick myself back up and do it all again..... How do I gain control??  As tears steam down my face as I write these words I tell you one truth that I know is true ~ live this life as hard as you can. Love hard, play hard, learn hard, laugh even harder. It can all end in the blink of an eye.  

Make every day matter

 

Today, I am sitting in the back seat of a car driving to my friends funeral in another province and I start thinking... Really thinking. I can't let these things consume me. I need to focus all of this energy somehow. I need to focus on being in control.  That being said,  I am taking control of the one and only thing I can... My health. Starting from SQUARE 1!!!! I am taking back control of me.  There is so much to live for. I have to live. I will live. 

Thank you for hearing me

RIP Mama

RIP Merv

Weigh In #2.5 - It could be worse and I won't cry

So it's an official weigh in day (and seeing as how I conveniently missed the last one I will make sure this will never happen again) and I have kept my promise to myself to eat breakfast every single day!!
I get up really early relative to when I leave my house in the morning so I have been getting up and having a banana right away then a couple hours later I will make a little piece of ham with a soft over easy egg.  Mmm Mmm Mmm

Like I had mentioned before, my life has been INSANE lately!!! I started my 2nd job the couple nights a week and that whooped my ass.... and I mean WHOOPED!  Good, I need it!  I have also been pursuing a new direction in my career that has taken up some serious extra time.  That being said, I am taking this weekend to actually write out my work out plan now that I have my life schedule kind of in place.  For instance, Monday and Tuesday will be my off days as I work 2 jobs Monday and Tuesday hurts my life after running my ass off at work for 2 nights in a row.  I'm debating which facility to use though.  I have remarkably lovely friends who have offered to lend me their gym pass to check them out to help me find which I prefer #somuchlove  ~yeah I just did that, what of it?!

Oh Ben, how I love thee......
Ben has decided to get on board with me!!! Thank baby jesus in roller skates cuz life is tough staring at someone eat potato chips in front of you!  I'm excited for us!  We did a half major grocery shop together (which was actually the first since we've been together believe it or not). It at least gave us the basis of a few meals on deck.

Going to the Dr......
I am making an appt for the upcoming week to have some bloodwork done.  I need to see where all of my levels are at, including hormonal, to help me adjust what foods my body NEEDS.  I have always suffered from extreme anemia etc. so I wanna get myself in check - nah w'mean?? ~yeah it's pronounced as it's spelled.......

Oki dokie.... back on track for the day.... I have a recipe I would like to share with all y'all***

Chocolate Avocado Pudding - Get in my Belly
1 ripe avocado
1/4 cup cocoa powder
1/4 cup honey/agave nectar - whateva
1/4 cup almond milk (I used natural unsweetened, but do as you wish - But I bet coconut milk would be AMAZING)
1 tsp vanilla extract

Blend it up Blend it up Blend it up!

Throw it in the fridge for a few hours and serve with a whipped "cream" of your choice (or a dollop of vanilla yogurt), fresh berries, cinnamon, chopped nuts, coconut, etc etc etc...
**It took me honestly less than 4 minutes to make...I believe in you, I burn down kitchens

**RANDOM TIP OF THE DAY**
If you measure out the cocoa FIRST in the measuring cup, the honey and the milk won't even stick to the cup AT ALL!!!! the cocoa powder creates some kind of bad ass layer that makes for super easy cleanup.  LOVE IT

K is everyone ready for this???
Official Weigh In #2.5
164lbs

It could be worse and I wont cry... I feel really good and that's what matters first and foremost.  I haven't been bloating or feeling disgusting.  I'm on the right track! The rest will come

The Dirty Truth - Weigh in #1

Ok, so Inspy told me it didn't matter what a failure this week had been, it was important to post my official weigh in.  Ugh here goes

Weigh in #1: 164.5lbs

I've been much better off this week.  I've been eating healthy and despite the heat been able to work out.  I will post what my work out plan is later today, but for now I must get to luxurious life of drinking wine.....

The Reset and The Regroup

It's been a challenging week at best.  Between travelling for work and socializing with work colleagues (food and drinks) I feel like this has been a complete flop of a week.  I feel guilty and I refuse to conclude this as my FIRST WEEK of getting healthy.  Let's go over some of the challenges I faced:

1.  My boss chose an italian restaurant for a staff dinner - Ok, so I don't eat pasta or red meat BUT I have a crazy anxiety disorder that keeps me from eating alot of food out at restaurants (easiest way I can explain it is food safety issues lol).  So, I have to stick with items I know will be food safe and opted for a vegetarian pizza. WORST. CHOICE. EVER.

2. My boss chose a pizza place for our staff luncheon the next day. HOW IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

3. Too much boozy boozy!!! Just in case you are not aware of why I do for a living... I drink booze.....literally.  I'm a wine and spirits rep and part of my job is to drink it.  Sounds like a pretty bunk gig huh?  Well, sometimes it's great! and then there's all the other times ~ like when you're trying to lose weight.  Could I have said "no"? Not exactly.  It's a little complicated I suppose.

All in all it has been an ultimate failure of a week and I couldn't be more disappointed in myself and feel like all I wanna do is eat a carrot!  Official first weigh in will be next Friday.  Please don't judge me!!!

P.S. I thought I would share that I am also negating taking birth control for the next few months as well.  I have a sinking feeling that me switching my birth control over and over the last year has had some effect on my system and I am looking to clear it out of anything unnatural at the moment.  

P.P.S.  Ben (the little love of my life) and I have a very special announcement to make - We are expected a new addition to our family - but she has 4 legs not 2!!!  Her name is Rosie and she is a wee little Boston Terrier brought to me by a magic unicorn of love.  She unfortunately broke her tiny little leg the other day and can't come home for another month but I couldn't be more excited or happy for all of us.