Sometimes when you lose all control of the things you desperately need to control you keep yourself in safe place far away where no one can see you break. I lost all control, I lost all faith, I lost all hope.... I lost my Mother. Why would this happen to me? Why don't I get to have a mom? Why do you get to pick up the phone when you're bored, or sad, or helpless, or elated, or worried to call your mom and I don't? Why do I have to lose the most important person in my life? Why would someone add insult to injury and take her away from me when I've already lost so much? Why do i have to live with the reality that i will never get to see her again..... or hear her voice? I need her so badly. So there's no one to answer these questions for me and I have to live with the nothingness of my reality that is so full of hurt and so full of anger that some days it's hard to even breathe.
Three days ago was my parents 40 th wedding anniversary. If you can say that for anyone you know I know you know how truly incredible that is. We take advantage of the fact that we expect people will always be there. There's some hard lessons to learn sometimes. My dad spent this important day in his life at a restaurant table with his children in awkward silences avoiding the elephant in the room, talking about home projects, the bad meal, the weather. I know he had much bigger plans for this particular day. But this is what life means now. We learn to manage the elephant in the room. She's gone and we don't know how to live without her. I desperately miss my mom.
I sat at this table with whats left of my family and my phone rings, I answered it when I knew I shouldn't. It's a call to tell me that one my dearest friends passed away in the early morning hours. Fuck. This cant really be happening, can it? Those words from the other end of the phone just crushed my already broken heart. Okay, let's do this just one more time. Although his fight against cancer was cruel and unruly, he faced it with such courage and strength. It was like a cheap shot in the gut. Despite anything he was going through he was there for me when i needed someone most. The strong silent hug that he knew i needed. What hurt the most is i knew he looked at me hard and could see the hurt in his own childrens faces when it would be his time to go. So selfless and strong and truly incredible. I will desperately miss my friend.
Yesterday was my birthday.... And I knew I wouldn't start my day with a call from my mom "Happy Birthday Hunny!!!!!!!!!" I'll never have that call again. Life is just never going to be the same. My dad sent me a text to say "happy birthday, there is a card on the table ILY". I worked late last night and drove home screaming to whoever would listen to me "why?!" No one called me, asked how my day was, asked me to lunch or dinner.... Where the fuck is my mom?! This would never happen if she was here. I stopped at my parents house to pick up my card last night. My dad was already asleep so I didn't want to wake him. I took the card with my name on it and left. I cried all the way home. I didn't even wait to take my coat off. I just wanted to open the card (having insane swings of expectations. Will it be nothing? Will it be a cheque? Will it be a ticket to Paris?). I opened it...... And there is was. It was a diamond necklace, so very pretty with blue and white diamonds. And the card reads "I chose these blue diamonds for a very special reason happy 32nd birthday, love dad".........
Dad, what is the very special reason? "I bought your mother a blue and white diamond ring for our anniversary last year. I promised her I would buy her a matching necklace. This Is the necklace. I don't know if you have a chain strong enough to hold the ring". I was so touched and just so very very sad at how real this is all becoming for all of us. I desperately miss my mom.
It's hard to be told over and over to be strong or that I'm the strongest person that someone knows. I don't want to be strong... I want to crumble into a million pieces and have someone else pick up the pieces for a change. I'm done being the one no one needs to worry about. I need someone too. That's hard to say but I'm not scared to say it. I've lost all control.
So I struggle and stumble and crumble and pick myself back up and do it all again..... How do I gain control?? As tears steam down my face as I write these words I tell you one truth that I know is true ~ live this life as hard as you can. Love hard, play hard, learn hard, laugh even harder. It can all end in the blink of an eye.
Make every day matter
Today, I am sitting in the back seat of a car driving to my friends funeral in another province and I start thinking... Really thinking. I can't let these things consume me. I need to focus all of this energy somehow. I need to focus on being in control. That being said, I am taking control of the one and only thing I can... My health. Starting from SQUARE 1!!!! I am taking back control of me. There is so much to live for. I have to live. I will live.
Thank you for hearing me
RIP Mama
RIP Merv
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