Back To The Basics

There's something wonderful about simplicity. It eliminates the complicated. I'm going Paleo for 30 days.  It's a lot more simple than I thought. 

www.thepaleodiet.com

I think 30 days is a great challenge!!  I've pulled out my skipping rope, plugged in my treadmill, brought out my weight bench and my super sexy headband. 

The greatest challenge of all is the drinking challenge.... Dun dun duhhhhnnnnn 

I drink a lot. Not because I'm a heavy drinker but because everything I do whether it work, school, social, has to do with alcohol. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED 

I'll blog the whole plizzan next up 

Good luck me

When life rears its Ugly Head

 Well I'd like to begin by apologizing. I have been selfish and negligent and I want to start over with you.... With myself  

Sometimes when you lose all control of the things you desperately need to control you keep yourself in safe place far away where no one can see you break.  I lost all control, I lost all faith, I lost all hope.... I lost my Mother.  Why would this happen to me?  Why don't I get to have a mom?  Why do you get to pick up the phone when you're bored, or sad, or helpless, or elated, or worried to call your mom and I don't?  Why do I have to lose the most important person in my life?  Why would someone add insult to injury and take her away from me when I've already lost so much?  Why do i have to live with the reality that i will never get to see her again..... or hear her voice?  I need her so badly.  So there's no one to answer these questions for me and I have to live with the nothingness of my reality that is so full of hurt and so full of anger that some days it's hard to even breathe. 

Three days ago was my parents 40 th wedding anniversary.  If you can say that for anyone you know I know you know how truly incredible that is.  We take advantage of the fact that we expect people will always be there. There's some hard lessons to learn sometimes.  My dad spent this important day in his life at a restaurant table with his children in awkward silences avoiding the elephant in the room, talking about home projects, the bad meal, the weather.  I know he had much bigger plans for this particular day.  But this is what life means now.  We learn to manage the elephant in the room. She's gone and we don't know how to live without her.  I desperately miss my mom. 

I sat at this table with whats left of my family and my phone rings, I answered it when I knew I shouldn't.  It's a call to tell me that one my dearest friends passed away in the early morning hours. Fuck. This cant really be happening, can it?  Those words from the other end of the phone just crushed my already broken heart. Okay, let's do this just one more time.   Although his fight against cancer was cruel and unruly, he faced it with such courage and strength. It was like a cheap shot in the gut. Despite anything he was going through he was there for me when i needed someone most. The strong silent hug that he knew i needed. What hurt the most is i knew he looked at me hard and could see the hurt in his own childrens faces when it would be his time to go. So selfless and strong and truly incredible. I will desperately miss my friend. 

Yesterday was my birthday.... And I knew I wouldn't start my day with a call from my mom "Happy Birthday Hunny!!!!!!!!!" I'll never have that call again.  Life is just never going to be the same.  My dad sent me a text to say "happy birthday, there is a card on the table ILY". I worked late last night and drove home screaming to whoever would listen to me "why?!"  No one called me, asked how my day was, asked me to lunch or dinner.... Where the fuck is my mom?!  This would never happen if she was here. I stopped at my parents house to pick up my card last night. My dad was already asleep so I didn't want to wake him. I took the card with my name on it and left.  I cried all the way home. I didn't even wait to take my coat off. I just wanted to open the card (having insane swings of expectations. Will it be nothing? Will it be a cheque? Will it be a ticket to Paris?). I opened it...... And there is was.  It was a diamond necklace, so very pretty with blue and white diamonds. And the card reads "I chose these blue diamonds for a very special reason  happy 32nd birthday, love dad".........

Dad, what is the very special reason?  "I bought your mother a blue and white diamond ring for our anniversary last year. I promised her I would buy her a matching necklace. This Is the necklace. I don't know if you have a chain strong enough to hold the ring".  I was so touched and just so very very sad at how real this is all becoming for all of us.  I desperately miss my mom. 

It's hard to be told over and over to be strong or that I'm the strongest person that someone knows. I don't want to be strong... I want to crumble into a million pieces and have someone else pick up the pieces for a change. I'm done being the one no one needs to worry about. I need someone too. That's hard to say but I'm not scared to say it.  I've lost all control. 

So I struggle and stumble and crumble and pick myself back up and do it all again..... How do I gain control??  As tears steam down my face as I write these words I tell you one truth that I know is true ~ live this life as hard as you can. Love hard, play hard, learn hard, laugh even harder. It can all end in the blink of an eye.  

Make every day matter

 

Today, I am sitting in the back seat of a car driving to my friends funeral in another province and I start thinking... Really thinking. I can't let these things consume me. I need to focus all of this energy somehow. I need to focus on being in control.  That being said,  I am taking control of the one and only thing I can... My health. Starting from SQUARE 1!!!! I am taking back control of me.  There is so much to live for. I have to live. I will live. 

Thank you for hearing me

RIP Mama

RIP Merv

Weigh In #2.5 - It could be worse and I won't cry

So it's an official weigh in day (and seeing as how I conveniently missed the last one I will make sure this will never happen again) and I have kept my promise to myself to eat breakfast every single day!!
I get up really early relative to when I leave my house in the morning so I have been getting up and having a banana right away then a couple hours later I will make a little piece of ham with a soft over easy egg.  Mmm Mmm Mmm

Like I had mentioned before, my life has been INSANE lately!!! I started my 2nd job the couple nights a week and that whooped my ass.... and I mean WHOOPED!  Good, I need it!  I have also been pursuing a new direction in my career that has taken up some serious extra time.  That being said, I am taking this weekend to actually write out my work out plan now that I have my life schedule kind of in place.  For instance, Monday and Tuesday will be my off days as I work 2 jobs Monday and Tuesday hurts my life after running my ass off at work for 2 nights in a row.  I'm debating which facility to use though.  I have remarkably lovely friends who have offered to lend me their gym pass to check them out to help me find which I prefer #somuchlove  ~yeah I just did that, what of it?!

Oh Ben, how I love thee......
Ben has decided to get on board with me!!! Thank baby jesus in roller skates cuz life is tough staring at someone eat potato chips in front of you!  I'm excited for us!  We did a half major grocery shop together (which was actually the first since we've been together believe it or not). It at least gave us the basis of a few meals on deck.

Going to the Dr......
I am making an appt for the upcoming week to have some bloodwork done.  I need to see where all of my levels are at, including hormonal, to help me adjust what foods my body NEEDS.  I have always suffered from extreme anemia etc. so I wanna get myself in check - nah w'mean?? ~yeah it's pronounced as it's spelled.......

Oki dokie.... back on track for the day.... I have a recipe I would like to share with all y'all***

Chocolate Avocado Pudding - Get in my Belly
1 ripe avocado
1/4 cup cocoa powder
1/4 cup honey/agave nectar - whateva
1/4 cup almond milk (I used natural unsweetened, but do as you wish - But I bet coconut milk would be AMAZING)
1 tsp vanilla extract

Blend it up Blend it up Blend it up!

Throw it in the fridge for a few hours and serve with a whipped "cream" of your choice (or a dollop of vanilla yogurt), fresh berries, cinnamon, chopped nuts, coconut, etc etc etc...
**It took me honestly less than 4 minutes to make...I believe in you, I burn down kitchens

**RANDOM TIP OF THE DAY**
If you measure out the cocoa FIRST in the measuring cup, the honey and the milk won't even stick to the cup AT ALL!!!! the cocoa powder creates some kind of bad ass layer that makes for super easy cleanup.  LOVE IT

K is everyone ready for this???
Official Weigh In #2.5
164lbs

It could be worse and I wont cry... I feel really good and that's what matters first and foremost.  I haven't been bloating or feeling disgusting.  I'm on the right track! The rest will come

The Dirty Truth - Weigh in #1

Ok, so Inspy told me it didn't matter what a failure this week had been, it was important to post my official weigh in.  Ugh here goes

Weigh in #1: 164.5lbs

I've been much better off this week.  I've been eating healthy and despite the heat been able to work out.  I will post what my work out plan is later today, but for now I must get to luxurious life of drinking wine.....

The Reset and The Regroup

It's been a challenging week at best.  Between travelling for work and socializing with work colleagues (food and drinks) I feel like this has been a complete flop of a week.  I feel guilty and I refuse to conclude this as my FIRST WEEK of getting healthy.  Let's go over some of the challenges I faced:

1.  My boss chose an italian restaurant for a staff dinner - Ok, so I don't eat pasta or red meat BUT I have a crazy anxiety disorder that keeps me from eating alot of food out at restaurants (easiest way I can explain it is food safety issues lol).  So, I have to stick with items I know will be food safe and opted for a vegetarian pizza. WORST. CHOICE. EVER.

2. My boss chose a pizza place for our staff luncheon the next day. HOW IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

3. Too much boozy boozy!!! Just in case you are not aware of why I do for a living... I drink booze.....literally.  I'm a wine and spirits rep and part of my job is to drink it.  Sounds like a pretty bunk gig huh?  Well, sometimes it's great! and then there's all the other times ~ like when you're trying to lose weight.  Could I have said "no"? Not exactly.  It's a little complicated I suppose.

All in all it has been an ultimate failure of a week and I couldn't be more disappointed in myself and feel like all I wanna do is eat a carrot!  Official first weigh in will be next Friday.  Please don't judge me!!!

P.S. I thought I would share that I am also negating taking birth control for the next few months as well.  I have a sinking feeling that me switching my birth control over and over the last year has had some effect on my system and I am looking to clear it out of anything unnatural at the moment.  

P.P.S.  Ben (the little love of my life) and I have a very special announcement to make - We are expected a new addition to our family - but she has 4 legs not 2!!!  Her name is Rosie and she is a wee little Boston Terrier brought to me by a magic unicorn of love.  She unfortunately broke her tiny little leg the other day and can't come home for another month but I couldn't be more excited or happy for all of us.

Day 3 - First Weigh In and First Major Discovery - Eureka!!!!

So I've discover to trick to weightloss.... the flu!!  I ended up with a touch of some bug a couple of days ago and couldn't even fathom eating which ultimately led to my very first weigh in being 164.0 Lbs.  I know that doesn't seem fair but I'll take the 1.6lbs fo shizzle.  So basically I couldn't keep to any of the plans I had set for myself and I can't promise today will be much different (still not hot to trot) BUT I will say that the food I will eat will be part of my plan and if I can muster the energy for some light exercise I absolutely will!  I do have to clean my house today so that is a workout in itself AND I might just mow my lawn.

PS Happy Birthday to the most wonderful man I know, My DAD!! You may be old but you're still strapping.  Loves ya will this whole black heart of mine (winky face).  We're taking pops out for dinner tonight so it will be a great way to choose what to eat when out and I'll make sure to share the tips and the treats with you.

I have 3 days of work to do in 1 day now so I gotta go

Until tomorrow

Peace

Things that are scarier than the Boogey Man!! - Day One

Okie dokie then.... Like I promised I took all of my measurements and the dreadful "before" picture.  Dreadful is an understatement to say the least.  But it's where I'm starting and where I'm never going to be again so I might as well take record.  I can't hide under baggy clothes anymore ~ so here it is (all kinds of naked *shudder* and stuff).

I started the day off right.  I made a promise to myself (and to my friend Katie who is my inspiration for all of this - Let' s call her Inspy) that I would eat breakfast every day this week.  And I started Day One with a panic attack and some delicious breakfast thing I saw posted somewhere.  I would take a picture, but I ate it all!!

Bananas in a Blanket (made that up right now - yesssss)

1 whole wheat tortilla (warmed for 15-20 secs in the microwave)
1 banana
1 tbsp ish almond butter
1 dash cinnamon

It took about 1 minute to make this tasty little breakfast.
Warm up the tortilla for about 20 secs cut in 2 halves
Spread Almond butter (or whatever butter as long as its not like butter butter) on tortilla halves
Cut banana in half and place each half on a tortilla half
Sprinkle with Cinnamon and wrap it up tight like so the banana doesn't escape
** I think the original recipe I saw said to slice it up like little saucers, but to honest I don't cope well with knives and it was like a little burrito of love this way

329 Calories of mmm mmm good

The Bad, The Worse and The Ugly

Ok, so as the most dreadful morning approaches me where I need to officially "weigh in" and take measurements I can't help but dream of being a kid mindlessly eating Cocoa Puffs for a wholesome, well balanced breakfast.  Pictures are also going to have to be posted, not for myself necessarily, but for anyone else who needs motivation.  I'm just as scared to look as you are!!  I think I will even post my before - before picture as well to gauge the changes being made.  I can't say I necessarily need my skinny mini body back, or that it's even a realistic goal, but I can say that it will be a constant push for me every single day.  (and Lord knows I need a good shove!)  A good friend of mine is getting married in 9 1/2 weeks..... and I think that event will mark a milestone for progress.  I will take that weekend I will be away for the wedding to relax and enjoy some of the finer things in life I may neglect along the way and really use that marker as a time for new challenges and goals.  It seems like a lightyear away, but I've been the victim of time flying by so I know it will come sooner than I think :)

The Day I Decided to Write This Blog

So this is it.....a candid look into something I hope someone else will ultimately find inspirational and maybe help continue to spur some change.  For those who know me know that the things that have happened in my life are nearly unbelievable at times, be it comical or tragic, absurd or monumental.  Nevertheless, I am a person that is thankful for them all and they have brought me to the place where I am today.  I have never been on the right side of tracks so to speak.  I've always drank too much, smoked too much, worked too much, slept too little, drove too fast, loved too hard, and lost enough.  I've always been an extreme and I guess that it's no different for me today.  I have put on an extreme amount of weight.

Some pretty drastic things happened almost 3 years ago and it propelled some pretty drastic changes for me personally as well.  I quit smoking... some people still can't believe it,  and some days neither can I.  I felt like a million bucks - and then it happened.... I got fat.  I guess that's what happens when you're pushing 30 and turning your metabolism right to zero.  I'd put on a good 15lbs.  Oh well, quitting smoking was the hardest thing I'd ever done and I wasn't going to be a failure after such a massive success in my life.  I learned to live with the fat.  I hated the fat and complained about the fat but since I'd never been fat before I didn't really know what I was supposed to do to not be fat.  I left my job I had been at for the last 7 years and began a movement of searching for something better for myself career wise.  I had 6 jobs in about a year, it was a whirl wind and I knew that it was because I was searching for something I hadn't found.  I went back to school and became a wine expert and started pursuing a career as an account manager for wines and spirits.  I landed a decent gig!! I went from walking 8 hours a day to sitting 8 hours a day over night.  The love of my life, my dog, got sick the day I left for training for my new career.  It was the most terrible 2 months of my entire life.  I didn't sleep, ever, and my stress level reached a level I didn't know existed.  I was terrified.  It was a sadness I can't even begin to describe.  After an extremely brave fight with cancer I lost her on March 7, 2013.  It broke me completely.  After that long 2 months and feeling the worst I'd ever felt in my life I hopped on the scale.  I couldn't have been more shocked.  15lbs in 2 months!!!!!!  I was now 30lbs heavier than I had ever been in my life and there wasn't a single thing about me that made me comfortable.  I stopped going out in public and socializing with friends.  I was embarrassed, mortified, ashamed.  I went on a cleanse and lost 4 lbs in 12 days, then put it back on again in 2.  I cut out gluten and dairy and sugar and this and that and still I was fat.  So the day I decided to write this blog, I hit a new low.  I'm done with this body that encapsulates "me" and I need to find the "me" that I need to know.  The is the day change started.  I set up my work out bench in my basement with my weights, turned on my treadmill and took a long hard look in the mirror.  This is the last day I stay knowing the "me" I know today.

This is going to be my story to myself and to you about how change can happen.  I can be extreme about everything else in my life except myself?  That doesn't make sense.  The day change started I became extreme about me.  And that is a promise I need to keep to me.  I am finally going to take the time to support me and take care of me.
So here we go..........