I know this because I stepped on my scale after a serious attempt at living a healthier lifestyle, and to no avail I am fatter today than I have been in my entire life. I am 170.8lbs. How did this happen? I have had the hardest year of my life that is how. I developed insomnia, depression, a panic disorder…. I suppose the list could carry on, but this is where is has to stop.
The last few months of my life have been the most terrifying times I have yet to face. It has been 6 months that I lost my mom to a brain aneurysm, 4 months that I lost my friend to cancer and almost a year to the day I lost my little one Oshii to cancer as well. Grief is a charging bull, relentless in its path to destroy you. What was left of my family after my mom passed away basically disintegrated into something I am so completely and totally ashamed and embarrassed of. I feel that I was left to basically stand alone. When you think you will have the support you need from your family in your hardest days and then have to come to terms with the reality that they are just not going to be there is something I never would have thought could have happened to me. I could have never expected this, and still don't know how to accept any of it. I suppose I could share the ugly details with all of you, but it may be something I share when I am strong enough to do so. I am not looking for sympathy. I do not want a pity party. I want anyone who struggles in this life to know that other people struggle to, and although our battles may not look to same on the outside, the inside still has the same remains. I am going to stand taller than my grief and stop letting it drown me over and over again. I've lost a lot in this life and I can't lose myself too.
I've decided to focus on the family that I have chosen and that have supported me day in and day out, who have listened and encouraged and helped through some of my darkest days.
I couldn't have asked for a better human than Ben. He lets me be me and just loves the s&%t out of me… and I just love the s$%t out of him too. We laugh a lot. He is thoughtful and mindful and a witty and charming. We make more fun of one another than elementary school crushes, it's hilarious. I need him. And I wouldn't trade him in for any pony, well I likely would if it was that little internet sensation Mr. P.
My friend Tiffany hasn't always been someone I have always been the closest to. It's been in the most recent year that we have gotten closer and really confided in one another. She struggles with her weight as well and we have made a pact with one another and she has become such an incredible supporter of me and I love being able to support her back. We both have a goal of losing 30lbs. I know that if we just stick together we can absolutely attain our goals. It's definitely been easier having someone like her to lean on. Positive words, a motivational mind, and someone to help you hold yourself accountable. The journey doesn't seem as scary when you have a friend like her. Thanks lady xo.
So here it is…. some drastic changes need to be made because "just being healthy" hasn't worked. I know now how much external sources can affect your internal ones. Lack of sleep and stress love making you chubby! I found a therapist who is amazing and is helping be more aware of my chaos and how to manage it all. All of these things in combination make for a very unhealthy mind and body, so I've realized that BOTH need to be attacked equally in order to gain success for myself. So let me introduce you to my new friend Charles
I know how hard it can be when you're as busy as someone like me to eat properly, so i've negated some of my excuses by adding this little gem to my life
I have one every day for breakfast and I will soon be using this a second time throughout the day.
I thought I would let you guys kind of take a peek at the kind of workout Charles and I will be embarking upon.
This was today's workout, modified mind you since it was the first time Charles, Pebbles and Bam Bam had danced so it was kind of a "let me see what you're made of" workout ;)
Kicking someone's a$$ just feels so good sometimes……
I'll be doing variations of this for the first little bit, changing things here and there and making good use of my weights and bench as well. I will also be doing some Yoga-ing at home to try and calm my spirit. I'm far to embarrassed to actually go to a class, but I know I'm safe from being judged by Yogis in my basement (and it's wayyyyyy cheaper that way too!). It will feel great one day to go to one of those classrooms and feel like I can fit in. Forget it! Let's make a date for me to do that ( I can always use a personal challenge)….. hmmmmmm April 12th. There is some significance to the date and I will stick to it. Yeesh, what was I thinking lol.
Giddy up
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